


You cannot run away from loneliness

by alisev



Category: Gintama
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Loneliness, M/M, Post Without Preview, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 11:36:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9438452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alisev/pseuds/alisev
Summary: Okay, so we are going to have this amazing 4th episode next week and I had to do this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so we are going to have this amazing 4th episode next week and I had to do this.

There were nights Katsura felt so lonely his whole body was trembling. He was an orphaned kid once again. Without mother to gently kiss his forehead, without father to tell him goodnight stories, without grandmother to comfort him with one of her lullabies. He was alone.

 

Panting, he reached out for glass of water he always kept near his futon. His hand was shaking so hard he almost spilled it on his white pyjama. _Just breathe_ , he told himself.

 

 _Breathe in, breathe out._ But it does not help. It actually makes him feel even worse, what is he even breathing for? Revolution? Saving people? How can he save anyone, when he cannot even handle a lonesome night?

 

He is a coward. And not a _coward_ his grandmother wanted him to be. He is weak, fearful _boy_ , because he cannot even call himself a man right now. And he is ashamed of his tears. She asked him not to be but he is so ashamed he cannot go out of his room, and show this pathetic side of himself to Elizabeth.

 

***

 

Kabuki District is so still this night, it does not even resemble itself. Katsura does not pass a single person during his roam, and he starts wondering if he is only person left on the Earth. He already feels like this so there would not be much change.

 

Finally, he slips in through a window into well known bedroom. He could use a door, he knows they do not even close it, but chooses the window anyway. Maybe it is because he always has to sneak, crawl, run. He is so used to this, he does not even think that there are other ways.

 

***

 

Gintoki is not sleeping. He has just come back from snacking the pudding in the kitchen and he is too full to fall asleep. When he sees Zura going in through the window he wants usually to insult him, and tell him to fuck off because it is middle of the night and he still does not want to join his pathetic Jouishishi, and wants to call him some stupid nicknames, and do everything to annoy him as always.

But before he starts doing this, he sees Zura’s shivering silhouette, messy kimono, tousled hair, he sees bloodshot eyes, and drying tears on man’s cheeks. His stomach tightens so much he regrets eating all the sweets while ago.

 

 _No. Not this,_ he thinks.

 

He knows this side of Zura. The side he always keeps deep inside him and does not show it to anyone. But if he does, Gintoki knows, it means he has snapped. And Gintoki cannot handle it.

 

He is aware of how his friend is feeling. He has felt it so many times himself, and knows how it can _destroy, swallow, devour_ you. He will not let Zura be destroyed. He will not lose him once again.

 

Zura limply approaches him and falls on his knees.

 

“Gintoki… I am…” he slurs weakly.

 

“Don’t.” Gintoki interrupts and pulls him close, “Please, don’t.”

 

They sit like this for a while. Katsura leaned against him, boneless, Gintoki stroking his and hair whispering calming hums.

 

“I am alone,” finally sobs long haired man.

 

“No, you aren’t.” disagrees Gin but Zura behaves like he does not hear it. He continues talking in hoarse voice.

 

“I am so alone and scared I do not know what to do anymore,” his fists balls on Gintoki’s green pyjamas, “everyone left, they left without a goodbye, my mother, my father, my grandmother, then _Sho--yo_ , and Takasu--gi...” calling two last names he starts weeping and choking. Gintoki squeezes him so hard it could break his bones.

 

“And if y...ou leave me once again, Gintoki, if you leave me, I…”

 

“Zura.” replies Gin harshly, “I’m not leaving you. I’m here. I’ll stay here.”

 

Katsura takes another choking breath but words does not want to come out of his mouth.

 

“Are you listening? I won’t go anywhere, I will be with you,” says Gintoki holding Zura by arms and making him look into his eyes. “Tell me you understand that,” he demands.

 

Katsura is not able to reply, he just lays his head on Gintoki’s shoulder. They sit like this once again. Nobody moves, nobody says anything. Time passes.

 

Only when Zura’s breath is calm, and his heart beats in normal pace, Gintoki knows he can break the silence.

 

“Look at you,” he smiles subtly, brushing Zura’s hair with his fingers, “Messy hair, sloppy tied kimono... Is that how you should visit your beloved friend in the middle of the night?”

 

Katsura looks at him with unclear face expression.

 

“It’s how you are supposed to look when you finish your visit.”

 

Gintoki’s lips are warm on his, kissing him gently and making him feel _not lonely_ so he just decides to drown into it.

 

 

   ***

Next morning everyone behaves as usual.

 

Katsura makes them a proper, healthy breakfast (they have not got one in a while) and Kagura, rubbing her eyes, asks why he visited them so early. Katsura responds that  it is not early for a productive member of society, and he just has to hide there from Shinsengumi.

 

Gintoki shouts at him that it is not an animal shelter, and Katsura tells him to shut up and eat already. Then, Shinpachi comes with burnt cookies from his sister, makes them disgusting, cheap green tea and Gintoki shouts once again because they are too loud and he cannot hear Ketsuno Ana’s voice.

 

Katsura does not feel lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> English punctuation is a closed book for me, just judge.


End file.
